I’m sick. Sick with a stupid stupid cold. Cat gifs make everything better.
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And… pretty much how I’m looking today:

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Taking care of business you guys!

January is about to kill me but I’m getting stuff done. I didn’t have a real list of New Years resolutions but instead, a long list of things that simply needed to get done.

• read 3 books in less than a week
• hooping
• took Ulti & Nibbles to the vet – Ringo is next

• Got worked on for 2 miserable hours at the dentist and I’m not even halfway done. 9 shots of novacaine later, I got some fillings and a deep cleaning below the gum line on the right side. I really don’t want to admit how long it’s been since I’ve gone to the dentist. I grind my teeth at night and because of that, my gums have receded in spots, leaving small cavities along the gum line.

Next, I have to

• take Ringo to the vet on Saturday
• go to the lady doctor for my annual on Monday
• get my oil changed  some time in February
• get Valentine treats for everyone
• back to the dentist on March 15th for the left side
• schedule a normal cleaning
• get my teeth whitened at a medi spa (cheaper)
• get a mouth guard
• my 33rd b-day is on March 23rd and we’re going to see The Hunger Games movie! Can’t wait!

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I don’t do chain letters but I got tagged for a post by Lindsey at The Savvy Speechie (who I really adore) so I will do my part in answering 11 questions. If you want to do this or check out her answers, this post will help you out.

1) Are you allergic to anything?

Not really BUT I just found out yesterday that I’m super sensitive to epinephrine (adrenaline) at the dentist when he gave me a zillion novacaine shots. I had the same panic attack feeling I had at the dermatologist a while back, getting a mole removed. So, that explains that.
2) If a genie granted you one “do-over” for anything, would you take it? And if so, what?

That’s a tough question because of the butterfly effect. I’d be scared to change anything in case I didn’t wind up where I am now. If nothing would change, I would’ve never met a few jerks in my life.
3) What’s the meaning of life?

A change to live a kind loving life, being true to yourself and others. That’s all I got right now.
4) Do you have a favorite drink?

caffeinated ones – tea, coffee, coke, cherry coke (oh and Naked juices)
5) Toilet paper: do you let it hang over or under?

OVER!!!!

6) What pair of shoes did you wear today?

An old pair of black Saucony Jazz sneakers.(I also went to work in what I slept in last night plus a cardigan. I’m kinda disgusting today.)

7) I give you a dollar for the food kind of vending machine. What do you buy?

something crunchy and salty – chips, pretzels, crackers, etc

8) When was the last time you were embarrassed?

It takes A LOT to embarrass me. I can’t even remember. Maybe the first time I farted in front of the bf? That took 3 years. Not even lying. It’s a full-on gas attack now.

9) Taylor Swift has a song called Fifteen. It’s about, as you might have guessed, what you would go back and tell yourself. What would YOU say to your fifteen year old self?

Travel every chance you get. Go on the senior trip. Have more fun! Quit smoking!

10) The majority of your grocery bill, on a pretty regular basis is _______________.

planned out dinners, drinks, and snacks – about $80 a week for the two of us.

11) Have you ever run out of gas? When was the last time and where?

Never. Never ever. How does that even happen?

This was pretty fun! Thanks Lindsey! Anyone wanna answer the questions?

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Heyoooo!

I’ve been slacking on the blog lately… really at life for about a week.

I finally got the first of The Hunger Games books and the hula hoop in the mail last week. Let me just say, hula hooping is hard y’all!

10 minutes into my first try and I was sweating and felt it all over! I’m still having a hard time keeping it up for any great amount of time but I try to catch it before it slams on the floor and whip it back around me immediately so, I can feel it in my back, shoulders and arms. I slacked this weekend on it though because…

OMG The Hunger Games! I started with a goal to read a chapter a night. That lasted until Friday evening. Sunday morning I was at the store getting the second one and this morning, I got the 3rd one. I’m plowing through them and love them so so much. I’ll be sad when it’s all over.

Here are some cute Hunger Games Valentines via:

So what’s been going on in your world?

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There have been some great Valentines popping up on the web! Thank you for being a friend!

via

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On Monday night, I had my first experience with racism towards my bf David and I, on MLK Day of all effin days. If you didn’t know, he’s half Korean. Anyhow, I was totally caught off guard and totally stunned.

My friend Jen is trying out stand-up comedy and I spontaneously went to a bar not 5 minutes from my apartment to give her some support. I rarely go out drinking like I used to but had a really lovely time. Jen’s just so easy to be around and a new friend of hers came to support her as well. Come to find out he just moved here from NY and is staying with my next door neighbors (the only ones I like in that building)! Crazy small world! We had a blast.

So I went outside to smoke a cigarette and this tiny little Italian girl was gently picking on some guys and I started laughing. She and I became fast friends. She was 27, had just moved here from Jersey, had amazingly just lost 100 pounds, told me all about Spanx, being single in her new body, and crazy Italian family pressures about babies and wanting to stay fit. I’m half Serbian, we joked about our noses and being sisters from across the Adriatic sea. I told her about my bf’s mom squeezing my sides, telling me to lose some weight before I get pregnant… that his mom is Korean and how she tells it like it is and has a fat phobia. Then it all turned.

She scrunched up her nose and honestly I can’t remember exactly what she said because it started to blur but, something to the effect of “Oh, be careful, you don’t want to have Asian looking babies.”

What!?

My first instinct was rage. I licked my top teeth under my lip and sized up my ability to drop her ass flat on the sidewalk. She was 6 inches shorter and 10 pounds lighter. No problem. Then I realized I’m in my 30s and I’m not getting in a Jersey Shore brawl in front of a dive bar. I know she sensed it. She started towards the door. I managed to muster, “They’ll be beautiful.” We both went inside and I never saw her again.

I felt like a failure. I wanted to defend the honor of my future baby, of my boyfriend, of his family, of our love. I wanted to rip her into a thousand pieces. Instead I held it together with every ounce of strength because one small leak would cause an explosion and I know my temper well enough to not let that happen.

So yeah. What could’ve been making a new friend turned ugly and I’m just stunned at the idiocy of people in the world. Sadly, I’m sure this won’t be the last time I hear stuff like this.

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Happy MONDAY!

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How do you stay organized? I’ve been having this horrible thing lately where I think of something and in 2 minutes it’s gone, if I don’t write it down immediately.

Long ago, it was September when we bought academic year planners. Now with the new year, I needed a new something to keep myself from losing my mind.

I don’t use any online or digital organizing tools. I like pen on paper. So after scouring the web for something that would work for me and book marking a few that cost well over $20, I stumbled on this one at Target, in store for $8 and that was that.

It had a plastic cover, tabs for easily finding months, opens flat, has months and weeks at a glance, with plenty of room to write. It also fits in my bag but really lives next to me on the computer desk at my parents’ house. Basically, everything i was looking for.

I also have a text document on my desktop to quickly type something in, and a notepad in my bag.

What are you doing to keep you from forgetting everything?

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A side note to my last post:

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My first anxiety attack/panic attack – whatever you want to call it – was about 8 years ago in a hospital.

My mom was having a bad few years – bladder stones, cancer and a blocked femoral artery. The artery was the last straw for my nerves. (The doctor wanted to amputate. I cussed him to Christmas and he did an angioplasty instead, which worked.) The smell of the hospital, the long windowless hallways, the incompetence, the long waits for simple tests, battling Medicare… I just lost it one day.

We were there to get pre-op tests done and I could feel my heart begin to pound for no reason. I got lightheaded and felt like a wild animal in cage and needed fresh air. I told the nurse I would be back in a few minutes and she caught an attitude with me, like I was leaving my mom there forever. She got cussed out too and I started running down the halls. Then the tunnel vision set in (so weird) and I went deaf, well more like a deafening “wah wah wah” drowning out everything. I found a stairwell and just sat and shook and then cried. Then it all went away and I went on with the rest of my day at the hospital, because I had to.

Some time later, it happened again out of the blue at the grocery store. There was no real trigger but I could feel it coming on and had to leave my cart and go sit in my car for a while.

My first experience with anti-anxiety/depression meds was about 6 years ago. I was in a terrible relationship. We fought non-stop and I was crying all the way home every night. I went to my family doctor and he explained to me how long-term stress can alter your brain chemistry. I had been taking care of my mom for years and my bf was an asshole. He gave me a questionnaire and I scored 6 out of 10 for both depression & anxiety. I carefully did not answer yes to the suicidal questions for fear of being institutionalized. (I had been contemplating driving into trees on my crying drives home.) He gave me a prescription for Lexapro, saying it was only temporary until I was feeling like myself. 3 months later I could see the forest from the trees, ditched the jerk, weaned off the pills and got on with my life.

A full-blown panic attack never happened again but about 4.5 years ago I was almost done with my psych degree and applied for nursing school to become an RN. Everyone had been pushing me to do it… that I was “a natural care-giver and would make a great nurse”. I got in, did the orientation, got a million shots, got fitted for for a bio-hazard mask, got CPR certified, bought my books and supplies and went to a hospital to get my ID. I parked on the wrong side and had to walk across the facility. The smells and hallways started getting to me. I began to doubt my decision. I just couldn’t see myself doing this every day, in the institutional setting. The first day of class in a windowless room was the last day for me. I sold all my books and never felt better. I’ve probably developed some sort of phobia connected to all the crap I’ve dealt with in hospitals with my mom. At first I felt terrible for letting so many people down because I quit but honestly, I hated the way the nursing school was run in addition to not wanting to do what I do for my mom, with strangers. Looking back, I don’t regret quitting.

About 3.5 years ago, right before now bf and I met, the sads got a hold of me again so I went back to my doctor. I was ready to make some major changes – quit smoking, get in shape, get back on some meds and see a therapist. I managed to quit smoking for a few months (oops), went the gym maybe 3 times, saw an incredible therapist twice who gave me a swift kick in the ass and got back on Lexapro.

I felt amazing. I was enjoying life, I was looking for an apartment, I was almost done with school, I quit dating, I fell in love (always happens when you quit looking). 6 months later, we moved in together, life was great and like an idiot, I quit taking my happy pills. That was a rough time. I couldn’t tell if I was always sad and miserable because we were adjusting to living together, if he was a real jerk, or if I was the problem. Hoo boy did we argue! Omg it was ridiculous. I didn’t know if we were going to make it and after thinking about things, realizing I was being completely irrational, miserable and hopeless for no logical reason, I went back to my doctor. I had lost my health insurance so I got on generic Celexa and immediately felt like myself again. I don’t plan on ever getting off them again.

Luckily the only side effects I’ve noticed have been lack of energy but it’s different for everyone. It can take a while to get it right.

That therapist gave me a copy of The Dance of Anger and it was life-changing. When I catch myself getting overwhelmed, I think about what I learned and it puts things back into perspective. I highly recommend it.

So, that’s my experience with depression and anxiety. I still get depressed and feel anxiety but that’s a normal part of life. I get mad as hell and want to kick society in its collective nuts a lot. I don’t feel like a zombie at all. I just don’t wallow in my depression for a month at a time making everyone else around me miserable. I know a lot of people having a rough time right now. The holidays are especially hard but a new year is a great time to grab the reigns on your life and make some proactive changes. It’s okay to talk to someone. It’s okay to get some help. It’s okay to take a pill to regulate your stupid brain.

 If you ever want to talk… send me an email! Seriously!

LaraRand at gmail.

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