6 months of tears

by Lara on February 9, 2014

in life

It’s been a profoundly quiet weekend.  Maybe it’s the winter blahs but I’ve been inside my head a bit too much lately.  Friday and Saturday night, I couldn’t get off the sofa.  It was a friend’s birthday on Friday and I have a gift waiting by my front door but, I couldn’t muster the energy to go out in the cold.  I watched the opening ceremonies that night and I can’t even remember what I watched 24 hours ago.  Tonight will probably be the same – but with new True Detectives (love this show) and Walking Dead (feel obligated to stick it through).

During the day, I’ve gotten up early, puttered around the apartment and ran errands.  My apartment is spotless, all the laundry is done and I’ve prepped 5 lunches for next week.  It’s not some debilitating depression but through it all, I’ve been really sullen.  I even re-took the Meyers Briggs test and scored super introverted and emo from my usual so my mind is definitely in a weird place.  I’m on week 2 of Chantix again and I wonder if that’s contributing to the mood.  It’s always a wild ride with this crap.

Thoughts of my mom have been consuming me in bursts when I least expect it.  Whenever I talk about my job to anyone, I tell them that I had tears in my eyes the first 6 months I was there.  Yesterday I realized that maybe it wasn’t because the job was exceptionally hard to learn, but because my mother had just died and my life had completely changed and I was freaking the fuck out on the inside.  It’s always been easier to just blame the new job and not acknowledge everything else that was going on.  This thought, as obvious as it is, was like a punch in the face.  I feel like I’ve denied the loss of my mother the reverence it deserves…  that I’ve easily skipped over that little detail in everyday conversation, that I just popped into a new routine and embraced it like a soldier to keep myself from going insane.  So, I’ve felt a little guilty and shitty.

And I’ve also been trying to wrap my brain around my ability to go into autopilot when the going gets tough.  How many details in life have I missed?  How do I even know if I’m stressed if normal life to me is just a head-first push forward and then get surprised with an anxiety attack in the grocery store? Things are so much better than they’ve been in a very long time now so, what’s the new normal going to be?

All the thoughts.

Some other things bouncing in my head have been the fact that I won’t have kids.  Seriously.  Not. Happening.  I’m too selfish and I’m okay with that.  I have never once in my life wanted children yet, there’s still this disappointment that I never met anyone that inspired in me the secure feelings from being a potentially good father/provider to even reconsider.  I’m getting too old now and would never risk it at this age.  So all the childless men out there who do want families sure as shit don’t want a 35 year old woman whose ovaries are almost past their prime.  That’s fine.  I accept this.

I also never want to live with a man again.  (Now, this may change.  Kids no – cohabiting maybe.)  I don’t particularly like answering to anyone in general and love coming home to an empty home.  I have great friends.  So, what’s the point of dating?  Right now, there is none.  So is sex the only reason to establish any romantic connection?  I think so.  I think I’m okay with this.  I think.

So much reality smacking me in the face.

Maybe it would be a good idea to take things one day at a time. :)

 

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Danielle February 10, 2014 at 12:00 PM

This is such a difficult time of year, it’s not surprising you’re in this place right now. I get like this every year around this time and we’re having a particularly band winter, which just amplifies everything.

I don’t know what the weather has been like in Virgina, but here in Ontario it’s been consistently -1000 and the fucking snow won’t stop coming down. Along with that, there seems to be a area wide shortage of shovels and sale in the area because nobody is clearing their walkways making it impossible for my 9 months pregnant ass to get around, leaving me stuck at home with my thoughts, thinking about new things stress and panic about…

But I digress…this isn’t about me.

I think going into autopilot when things get though is a good thing. Sometimes life is just about getting by. No need to feel guilty, we all deal with loss in our own way. You’ve been though so much over the past few years and it sounds like you’ve handled it all like a champ.
Danielle recently posted..Progress

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Marti February 28, 2014 at 4:17 PM

You’re a trooper and a fighter and so you maybe do go on Auto-Pilot but perhaps that’s your subconscious way of telling you it’s not ready to deal with anything and it will let you know when it feels it’s necessary and perhaps that time is now (you’re in this funk)
All I know is that you’re Mom was an awesome Mom from what you’ve mentioned here and I think the pain of loosing her will come and go for many years by showing itself in periods of depression but you were and are a dam good daughter to her. So you made some mistakes hell we all have but when she passed she knew you were a responsible adult I mean you weren’t with that one guy you moved in with that didn’t work but sold drugs. Please to this day I still believe it was her to help find the job you have now which was hard to learn but look your a whiz now and look at how much you’ve learned.
I wasn’t a psych major in college what the hell do I know but I do know after being in therapy after off and on for 20 years that you’re a survivor and if you’re depressed like you are now hell it’s okay. I would worry if you weren’t leaving the house to go to work or if you stopped communicating indefinitely.
Marti

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