fresh start

by Lara on December 3, 2013

in life

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with low stress and easy travels.  Hahahah, yeah right.

Had things worked out, I would’ve been in Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving week but instead, I spent it at my dad’s house alone, while he went hunting.  I did ALL the laundry, baked a cheesecake, cooked dinner, kept the wood stove going, watched crappy tv, hung out with Nibbles the cat and loved every minute of it.  My dad came home later, we ate dinner, shot the shit as usual and I went home to nap off a food coma.

So, to update everyone on what’s been going on with the house… I still haven’t gotten the building permit approved.  The surveyor we hired to complete the huge plan required by the city submitted everything and of course, the city rejected it.  One of the few reasons was because he didn’t write an “N” for North on the compass on the plan.  These are types of things people who work for the City of Richmond care about.  Anyhow, it’s hunting season for my dad and winter is starting so, I’m not going to concern myself with the house until after the New Year.  The surveyor will do what he needs to do to get things approved and we’ll take it from there.  The house may not be done until the end of Summer and I’m okay with that.

Things went downhill fast 2 weeks ago with D and I.  I mean, living in the same apartment in separate rooms and not speaking for 2 months was excruciating and tense enough but; a couple weeks ago, I approached him with the suggestion that he go stay with a friend for a while so that we could breathe.  That turned into a disaster.  He wanted me out.  So, I went into a mass panic, and thanks to awesome friends, I found 3 potential places in 2 days.  I checked out a room that a friend was still stuck in a lease for.  The roommate was a total creep and while I wanted to help out a friend in a bind, I just couldn’t do it.  My gut said no.  So, I made plans to check out another place the next day and emailed the landlord to ask him what I needed to do to get off the lease.  I told him that D and I had ended the relationship and he wanted me out and that I was looking for a new place.  The landlord told me that he wanted me to be the one to stay at the apartment, that he would terminate our month-to-month lease with both of us, giving “us” 30 days notice effective December 1st and then while D would move out, he would start a new lease with me on January 1st.  I couldn’t say no to this offer.  I had found the apartment, paid the security deposit, handled most of the dealings with the landlord, paid the renters insurance for 5 years, made all efforts to make the apartment a home and did all the improvements.  I had found the place with the intent of being able to afford it on my own if D and I ever broke up, since we had only known one another for 6 months when we moved in together.  It was always the deal that I would get the place if we did break up.  The hassle of moving twice was making me ill.  If I was just going to stay with someone temporarily, I would’ve only taken the bare necessities with me and put the rest in storage until the house was done, then move it all again.  I would never feel like a temp place was a real home.  So, I slept on it and then agreed to the arrangement the next day.  A weekend passed and I wanted to tell D about it all but I wanted the landlord to do it officially.  I didn’t want there to be any argument.  So, early last week, I came home from work and D had the hand-delivered notice in his hands.  He was livid.  LIVID.  No matter how calm I stayed, or how many times I explained that it wasn’t my idea but I couldn’t pass it up, I was the horrible evil bitch.  He had come unhinged with anger.  The things that were said to me are beyond unforgivable.  I was legitimately scared for my safety for over a week.  It wore me thin.  I woke up in panics in the middle of the night if the cat made a noise.  I was sleeping with a 10″ kitchen knife and bought pepper gas.  I had never once in my life come home, worried about what I would find, how I would be spoken to, or if my physical safety was in danger, until that week.  I lost 3.5 pounds over 10 days.  I tried to stay away from the apartment as much as possible but this horrible stubborn part of me wasn’t going to get run out of my own home.  I wasn’t going to let myself be intimidated.

Then suddenly, everything was calm again.  The extreme tension and door slamming ended.  The walking past my bedroom door and calling me a bitch ended.  I guess the “acceptance” stage had hit.  Then, on the day before Thanksgiving, he told me that he had found a place and wanted to know if I was willing to pay the entirety of December’s rent so that he could move out on December 2nd.  Yes. God yes.  A few emails were exchanged with the landlord and he moved out last night.

It’s hard to fathom that someone could turn on me so quickly just because I wasn’t happy anymore, deserve to be happy, and that he had to find another place to live.  It’s all so irrational and slightly psychotic.  I’ve ended long relationships before and there were some truly valiant efforts made to try to salvage things.  I got none of that this time around.  Every horrible moment during these past 2 months have only justified and validated my decision to end things since I always knew deep down that he was the most bitter, angry person I had ever met and fully capable of this kind of hatred.

I have no ill will towards D.  I really have no feelings at all towards him.  No hate.  No love.  It’s hard to say that there’s no love after investing 5 years with someone but I’m sure I fell out of love with him 2 years ago on Thanksgiving, on a drive home from his folks’ house in Northern, VA, when terrible things were said to me in a blackout drunk rage.  Then after everything that happened after my mother died and I started my job, I was too busy trying to survive and find my way that I didn’t have the strength to end it.  I was just trying to get through every day without collapsing into tears.  I’ve felt very alone these past 2 years.

I do want him to be happy as I wish that for everyone, to be smart and safe and to go forth with his goals and dreams, hopefully finding the right person for him that inspires him to be his best.  Unfortunately, we just weren’t good for one another and that was something I repeatedly admitted to him over the past 5 years.  Most of the time I felt like it fell on deaf ears.  I wasn’t happy and with every effort to communicate this in every way possible, there was too much resentment built up to ever save it.   Things would get better for a short spell, and those short spells combined with irrational hope that slipped into crushing disappointment turned into 5 years that we will never get back.  The only regret I have is not ending things sooner when my gut was telling me every single day that this wasn’t working for me.

Even though there was a lot of anger and hateful things were said, I understand where it came from.  Maybe I can forgive it all.  I guess I have to in order to truly move forward.  Onward!

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