+ & –

• The season of a watermelon taking up half a shelf in my fridge is here!
• This (via)

• and this

• Tina Fey’s “A Prayer for my Daughter” is wonderful. (from her book Bossypants)

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

• Did you ever see Miranda July‘s movie “Me and You and Everyone We Know“?  Well, if you haven’t, you damn well should. I HAVE to see her next movie “The Future“. Watch the trailer here. It’s going to be soooo good!

• Kyra made it to Daily Squee! I submitted that sleepy pic of her! Yay she’s famous!
• The bf stayed home sick last Monday and took the plunge, starting the sci-fi series Battlestar Galactica. Well, were in it to win it. 1.5 weeks later and we watched 75 episodes! Oh my gods it’s frackin nuts!
• I NEED to make this asparagus pesto!

• Professional portraits of Australia’s shelter animals!

• I’ve been avoiding looking at the Resort 2012 collections like the plague.
• Wedding invitations on Facebook! Are you kidding me?! Okay, I know invitations can be pricey but a simple piece of card stock on your home computer is better than a damn Facebook invite. Eliminate an extra stamp and have people rsvp over the phone or email. Also, it’s not like people stand around comparing invites at the wedding. They don’t even need to be the same. You can get discounted packs at TJ Maxx and stuff. This wedding is going to be a real piece of work. Bf asked if he could wear a tuxedo t-shirt. I may just get him one.
• I took the tips off and let my nails breathe for a few days with no polish and they all broke. Then I got sick and didn’t care so, no nail posts for a week or so.
• Another thing I gave up on for over a week was my skirt/dress wearing challenge. I didn’t shave my legs for week so, can you blame me? If I could’ve gotten away with a muumuu though, I totally would have.

(I’m right there with you Aja! follow her!)

• If this Casey Anthony murder trial ends with a hung jury, I’m going to be so damn mad!
• I am sick and tired of people who ride their bikes in the middle of the road in my town. Oh, and mopeds too. If you can’t go the speed limit, you need to move over!

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Tagged as: annoyances, Miranda July