mistakes

If you have to make mistakes, make them good and big, don’t be middling in anything if you can help it.

- Hildegard Knef (via)

I don’t regret much in my life. Most people feel that all their decisions have made them who they are today so, no taking it back. Most of my regrets have been hurtful words said in the heat of the moment, not stepping up to the plate when I needed to, and lack of compassion – generally things that I could’ve done better because I actually did know better.

Looking back, I get mad at my younger naive self for being a hothead, trusting too quickly, not guarding myself better, and basically wearing my heart on my sleeve… can’t go back in time though.

When Valentine’s Day rolls around, I always reflect on the biggest mistake of my life. The lady who cut my hair is like a 50-something kindred spirit who made a lot of the same mistakes I did when younger. I found myself telling her all about mine this past Saturday when she did my hair.

In February of 1998, I got married. I was 1 month shy of being 19. We had known one another for 2 months. I had gotten into a huge fight with my father over being 18 and being able to do what I want so, he kicked me out (totally bluffing and I called him on it). I moved in with this guy and the next year of my life was a living hell.

I can honestly say he is the only person I truly hate. If he were on fire in front of me, I wouldn’t spit on him. Right after  getting married, he quit his job and started selling drugs out of our apartment. I worked and paid all the bills, buying nothing for myself but those Gap cargos and a bra. I dropped out of college for a year. He isolated me from my friends. He was jealous, delusional, perverse, verbally abusive and manipulative. The dregs of society were in and out of my apartment all the time. His family was insane. I dropped down to 85 pounds. I didn’t even see my family. (This is a MAJOR regret.) We argued constantly. He threw away my birth control pills. I got pregnant. I had an abortion (that he threw in my face constantly). Best decision I have ever made.

Before Christmas of 1998, I knew I was done. For some reason, I waited until after the holidays were over. I didn’t know exactly when I was leaving but I knew I couldn’t take it any more. Then on December 27th the moment revealed itself. I was getting ready to go back to work after the holiday. I put on that new bra and a big bulky sweater. I asked him what he thought of the bra and he said, “Tell me how it goes at work”. I worked at a phone lab for the CDC. He then said, “I’m going to go scrape the ice off the car so I can take your fucking ass to work.” He went outside and I looked out the window to make sure he was busy. I called my mom and told her I was coming home. She was thrilled.

I ripped the number to a cab service out of the phone book, put it in my pocket and started shoving necessities into grocery bags. He came back inside and I told him I was leaving. He lost it. He tried to slit his wrists (not the first time) with a Bic razor but I was calm and cool. I told him he would have to cut a lot deeper than that. He then smeared his bloody wrists all over my packed clothes. He tried to punch me in the face but got the back of my head instead. I still remained calm. He ripped the phone out of the wall. I had another in my closet and used it to call the cab while he was freaking out in the living room. He kicked my bags down the stairs, out the door and into the snow. He spit in my face so I threw my rings into the snow. The cab showed up, I hopped in and went home. That was that.

One of my oldest big burly friends went back with me to get the rest of my things later. I filed for divorce. He didn’t want to cooperate and the begging pleading calls started. I cried and cried but stayed strong. I found myself and my friends again. I gained weight so quickly I got stretch marks.I found out later that he got busted for drugs, beat his next girlfriend and broke her arm. It could’ve been me. Thankfully I’ve only seen him out 3 times in the past 13 years. Other friends say he’s so messed up on drugs that it’s like staring into the soulless eyes of a bird.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this. This isn’t like me. I guess I just want you to know that I’ve made some major mistakes in my life that I’m not proud of. I got caught up in the cycle of abuse. I had to make some really tough decisions and it’s all made me who I am today. I forgave myself. So, with the start of a new year, I hope that we all try to be a little more mindful about the lives we live and demand better for ourselves – with those we surround ourselves with and our own behavior. Forgive yourself and make sure you do better next time.

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